Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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