my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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