Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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