did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
