I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
