In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
