Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize