I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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