1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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