seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
