This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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