Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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