My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
