Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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