woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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