I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
