i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
