Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
