A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My life is pants optional.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
