doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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