And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize