So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
