I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
