she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
