just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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