my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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