im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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