It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
