I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
operation harelip BJ is a go
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize