its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
