my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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