If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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