last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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