just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
