nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
