apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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