we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
