Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she smelled like a LAN party
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
