I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
