I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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