I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
