you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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