so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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