U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Boobs are out for the taking
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
