You're my little dorito
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
