Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize