Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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