you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
