I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You can't motorboat a personality
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
