I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We are two peas in an std pod
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
