I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
