He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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