My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
