my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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