He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
