I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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