Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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