I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
