I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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