Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
