apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize