if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
