it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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